I slept better than expected last night and woke up this morning full of anticipation. I had arranged to meet my friend Mary for brunch this morning. As far as we can figure, the last time we saw each other was 35 years ago—at my wedding!
Oh, it was good to see my old friend! There was no awkwardness or trouble figuring out what to talk about. Our bond appears to be intact even with very little communication over the years. I was sorry when our time was up and she had to move on to another appointment.
After she left, I got my registration packet for the conference and took a power nap before getting in the car and trying to get over to the building where the classes are held. Once again, I got lost and drove all over the countryside before finally arriving at the right place—late.
By then I was having a full-blown crisis of confidence. If I can’t even navigate from one part of the campus to another, I thought, what makes me think I can write coherent stories? The knowledge that this is my last writers’ conference for the foreseeable future has colored my attitude also. Maybe, I tell myself, this is where the dream dies. All these years that I have pursued writing fiction, I have done so based on my own faith that this is a goal I can achieve. Most of those close to me do not believe that I can or will succeed, but I have stubbornly labored on. Today, I couldn’t help wondering, what if I’m just stupid? What if my faith in my own abilities is misplaced and what if I never write well enough to make someone want to publish my work?
So, it’s been kind of a rough day and I really need to get into a better frame of mind before I have my interviews tomorrow!
Another issue I’m facing is a lot of joint pain thanks to arthritis. Three days sitting in the car did not help. Tomorrow I’m going to suffer the humiliation of hauling my folding chair up to the conference center, because the chairs they have there are so uncomfortable for me that I found it very difficult to focus on what was being said. Having come all this way, I have to be willing to do what it takes to get the most out of the experience, and in my case that means bringing my own seating, I guess.
So, maybe I should get some rest in hopes of waking up with a more positive outlook tomorrow!