Happy Hearts

Recently I was in Aldi and a young mother came in right behind me with her two adorable children–a three-year-old girl and a one-year-old boy. From that moment I had a front-row seat to a very entertaining family drama.

Once inside the door, the mom talked sweetly to her kids and told them they could walk through the store with her, but if they misbehaved they would have to ride in the cart. Both of them wailed in horror at the thought of riding in the cart! (I had to laugh at that since my kids all LOVED riding in the cart!)

As we progressed down the first aisle, the kids both did a pretty good job of behaving themselves. They were so eager to help Mom pick out the groceries. By the time we all got to aisle #2, though, the little girl didn’t want to stay with Mom and the cart. She started running ahead. Her brother was a little uncertain at first, but he seemed poised to go exploring also. The mom called them back. The girl didn’t want to come. Mom had to go fetch her and bring her back to the cart.

At that point Mom followed through on her promise and lifted both children into the seat area at the front of the cart. (Aldi carts have room for two kids there.) From their reactions, you would have thought she’d ripped the living hearts from their bodies. They wailed and screamed and writhed as if the metal bars were burning them. “It’s too crowded in here!” shrieked the little girl. Mom stood firm. “I’m sorry, but you will have to stay there until you have a happy heart. Then maybe it won’t have to be so crowded.”

“My heart IS happy!” sobbed the little girl. Mom kept a straight face. “I’m afraid I’m the one who will decide if you have a happy heart. You have to show me with your actions.”

At this point the cherubic little boy looked up and saw me. I gave him a huge smile and he smiled back. His sister was still too busy throwing a fit. Mom pushed them around the store, speaking kindly and gently to them all the way. She allowed them to help choose certain items. She reminded them from time to time that the goal was for them to have happy hearts. The girl stopped crying and became sullen. Then she began to perk up. By the time Mom was ready to check out, both children were content, if not happy.

I wanted to run over to that young mama and give her a big hug and congratulate her for understanding something that so many other young mothers don’t, and that is that one of her biggest responsibilities as a mother is to help her children learn to control their emotions as well as their behavior.

One of the ways I did this with my kids was with goal-oriented timeouts, very similar to what I witnessed in the grocery store. I have been baffled to see so many parents using timeouts as punishment. If their toddler misbehaves, he is sent to the timeout chair for a maximum of five minutes, after which he is free to go right back to misbehaving. I don’t see how this results in a lesson being learned. The child learns to count down the seconds in timeout and then go on with whatever it was they were doing.

In contrast, I always saw timeouts as a way to help my kids learn to control their emotions and calm themselves down. When I had a child who was misbehaving or being disrespectful and obnoxious, I would take them to a chair and have them sit down. “You only have to sit here until you can be happy,” I’d say. “When you believe you are happy and ready to get up, call me and we’ll have a talk.” The goal of the timeout was a change in attitude, not a certain number of minutes.

I had one child who at times preferred an hour of screaming to calming herself down. She knew that all she had to do was stop crying and cheer herself up, and she’d be instantly released, but she wouldn’t do it. Over time, I helped her identify and employ her soothing activities. When I saw storm clouds on the horizon, I would leap into action. “Quick! Get your blanket!” She would run to get it. “Climb on the couch!” Up she’d go. “Now I want you to stay there until you can be happy, okay?” She would nod. Sometimes she would need to go through her soothing routine multiple times before she was ready to climb down. It wasn’t a punishment. It was training. The day came when she didn’t have to be told to run to a safe place and calm herself down.

Another daughter was a thumb sucker. After a certain age, she wasn’t allowed to suck her thumb anywhere except her bed. When I saw signs of a looming meltdown, again I would rush to head it off. “Get your blanket! Now run and get on your bed!” I would follow her and explain, “As soon as you are happy and ready to be kind to the rest of us, you can get off your bed and come out.” Sometimes, once she got on her bed and started sucking her thumb, she would realize she was exhausted and fall asleep. When she awoke from her nap, she’d be sunny and cheerful. Other times, she’d need a few minutes to calm down on her bed and then she’d come out with a completely changed attitude.

This is what I thought timeouts were for–not to punish a child for wrongdoing, but to help him or her learn to let go of anger and make a choice to be cheerful. I’ve always felt that the earlier you can help a child to master his emotions, the better it will be for everyone concerned. I’m sure I could have done a better job than I did, but I’m also convinced that my efforts resulted in kids who were not prone to tantrums and meltdowns, because they knew first of all that they would not be rewarded in any way for negative behavior, and secondly they knew how to stop the process and reset their attitudes. It warmed my heart to see that young mother doing such a great job of training her kids to control their emotions. This entry is my salute to her and all the others like her who are in the trenches with preschoolers every day.