Fail Mom

Today was kind of a roller coaster, emotionally. I continue to try my best to ward off the plague that has taken down so many family members. I will tell you what NOT to do, by the way. I have been using “thieves” essential oil in an effort to strengthen my immune system. I’ve been rubbing it on my neck so that I can breathe it in for hours at a time. So last night as I was getting ready for bed I thought, why not dab a drop of the oil at the base of my nostrils so I could continue to inhale it as I slept?

I know some of you are already laughing. What actually happened was NOSE ON FIRE. I lay down in agony, thinking that if I could just wait for a few minutes, the pain would decrease. Instead, my nose objected to the whole thing so much that I started sneezing. And sneezing. I could not stop sneezing. I woke my husband up. I finally sneezed the oil out, apparently, leaving behind chemical burns inside my nose. I’m kind of amazed I was still able to get to sleep after that.

This morning I slept in a bit because rest is supposed to help your immune system too, right? I did another breathing treatment because they really seem to help. I also missed a webinar that I had really been looking forward to because I am such a loser and my brain was fried and I forgot. After picking Lucy up from her friend’s house I went off to meet my friend Darlene for lunch. We met at Red Lobster–a place I haven’t been to for at least 25 years! We had a great lunch and I enjoyed getting to catch up with my sweet friend Darlene. Afterwards we both ended up going to the fabric store because we both needed something there.

When I got home, I took more meds and a nap, while Lucy kindly made a cake at my request. I had almost forgotten about the beekeeping meeting tonight, and I wanted to have something to take so that Jasper could get a snack at the meeting without guilt. (If we don’t take anything, we don’t eat anything.) I also filled out a scholarship application for Jasper. The beekeeper’s association offers a few scholarships every year to teenagers interested in bees. They get to take a class and get a hive and bees at the end.

We made the long drive over there, arriving just in time to a very full room. I had a project to work on, as always. One of the first orders of business was the announcement of this year’s scholarship recipients. Obviously Jasper was not on the list since we hadn’t even turned in his application. The deadline had come and gone. I never knew when the deadline was. The one person who told me to email him about it never replied.

I never thought I’d cry at a beekeeper’s meeting, but I did tonight. I couldn’t believe I was so stupid and had failed so utterly to find out what I needed to know to give Jasper a chance at a scholarship. I feel like the worst mother on earth. I dropped the ball and as a result Jasper must wait another whole year to fulfill his lifelong dream of keeping bees. (When I say lifelong, I mean since he was four years old!) We can’t afford to set him up with all the equipment, and without a scholarship even the class will cost at least $100!

I’m not sure when and how I screwed up so badly. We missed a couple of meetings in the fall due to circumstances beyond our control, and I can’t help wondering if the information was given out at one of the meetings we missed. The application was on the website, but I didn’t see a mention of the deadline.

The hardest thing for me was that Jasper really enjoyed tonight’s meeting and felt it was very helpful and interesting. He didn’t understand that his chance of having bees this year was gone until I told him after the meeting. We have known about this scholarship program for at least five years and Jasper has waited so patiently to be old enough for it. Now he is finally old enough, but he will have to wait another year thanks to me. I hate myself so much right now.

It was a long drive home. I was silently weeping in the darkness most of the way and even the Muppet Treasure Island soundtrack couldn’t make me crack a smile. Jasper was rather discouraged too at first, but he is such an optimist that by the time we were nearing own hometown he seemed pretty philosophical about it.

I tell you all this not to elicit sympathy or invite criticism, but just to be honest about my failures because every now and then I encounter someone who thinks I’m really on the ball and have it all together, and that is so not true. Not about me, or about anyone. I think some of us may be better at hiding our failures and disappointments, but we all have them.

I should end with something positive, right? Well, tonight as we were almost home from the meeting, we saw an absolutely spectacular moonrise. It was so serene, so beautiful. There were a few shreds of clouds floating across the huge golden face of the moon, and that more than anything sent a little thread of peace into my troubled heart. The moon has always been my friend.


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